A Difficult Time is a Blessing

Around this time of year I'm grumpy, tired, unmotivated and do nothing but sleep. It usually takes me the second week to come to the realization as to what is occurring. Three years ago, I went through what most people would not want to go through, mixed emotions from one extreme to another. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl and then 3 days later my dad passed away.
This was a time of joy and sorrow. Maybe as the years grow, the anxiety will diminish when this time of year comes around and I'll be able to celebrate my daughters birthday without the underlying feeling of knowing that deep sorrow was mixed in with it. I feel as though she's been cheated because the date of her birth and my dads death are so close together. It's hard to celebrate and then grieve for me especially since I'm such a dramatic person. (Scorpio)
To begin, it was the happiest of times. I will never forget the snowstorm that came across trapping me and my little baby Nora in the hospital one more day. Everything was white and heavenly and I was holding the most precious little angel in my arms...it was just me and her and as far as I was concerned it was the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever feel while on Earth.
Then it happened, the next day my worst nightmare came true. I'd known my dad was not doing well and that his time was short but I had hoped that he had a few weeks left. The cancer was just taking over too fast. A few hours after we arrived home and my husband had to leave to rescue the restaurant, I received the call. My brother telephoned to let me know that my dad was going down hill fast and that he wasn't expected to make it much longer. He asked if I could come to Ft.Wayne, to the nursing home, to be with him and my mother. My world collapsed, all happiness was instantly zapped and I was home alone with my newborn daughter and my 3 year old. I was unable to drive and Todd was working and my dad was dying. I felt trapped, not knowing if I should stay or go...luckily, the way that everything fell into place I had no choice but to stay at home.  I couldn't drive, my ankles at this point were swollen beyond belief and the roads were getting bad due to another snowstorm.
I didn't get much sleep that night wondering what was going with my dad...I remember I kept calling my brother and talking to my mom. Then Nora would wake and I had to comfort her (I think she comforted me)
The next day my brother said that my dad was still hanging on and everything snapped into place and I remember being on the Highway with both kids in the car, Todd driving, I looked at him and said, "This is so surreal, you're driving me to say goodbye to my dad"
Well, I said goodbye to him, stayed by his side for most of the day (as long as my ankles could take it) then I said goodbye knowing that was the last time I'd see him alive. My dad died 4 hours later that night. I think he was hanging on until I could say goodbye and until he got to "see" his little newborn grandchild. I like to think that he knew she was there even though there was no response from him.
 At this point, still to this day, I have no idea what medication the doctor gave me but I didn't cry once...in fact, the medication made me higher than a kite and I was actually smiling and laughing at the Funeral and I've never told anyone this but it actually took me months to start crying and almost a year to start mourning.

For the first time last month I went to his graveside by myself and wept. It felt good.
After the funeral was over and weeks passed there was a light that always shined on us, her name was Nora. She was our little angel that brought joy and  happiness at such a miserable time...it was so nice to see my mom smile when I brought her over. So that is how we made a difficult time into a blessing.